I used to work on a site called The Sputnik Drug Information Zone. The site was devoted to information on inebriants both popular and obscure.
We had a small humor section that included a satirical article by a fellow named Mike Todd that I’d yanked from usenet after it gave me the giggles.
Little did I guess how furious this article would make people in law enforcement, or how seriously they would take it! I thought it was pretty silly, but I guess it hit a little too close to home.
Here’s the article that raised the fuss:
Morons Get Mad!
“First and foremost, EDUCATE yourself on dog handling/training and addiction. Logically if a dog was addicted to drugs they would be useless to the handler, just as humans are useless when their strung out on drugs!!!
“I have great friends in the department and am appolled you are able to shovel this much shit.
“Considering this would be classified as ‘deformation of character’ on a police officer. I wish that was possible being as your speaking out of turn about a police dog. ”
“I am not law enforcement and I do have a sense of humour but this is far from funny. Actually stupid or shall I say DUMB AS DOG S***. I am a dog trainer, however and do find this offensive. Why bother with crap like this any one who knows even basic dog understanding of dog training or canine mentality knows what crap this is. But the point is crap spread around is just simply manure to fertilize your fields with so lets keep it there you don’t help any one by publishing this garbage.”
“I own one of those so called drug sniffing dogs that you are talking about! I am active in my dogs training and they do not eat cocaine and get addicted! That was the most rediculous story I have ever heard and I AM VERY OFFENDED! I realize the word humor was on the lower page but this is not a joke! These drug dogs and their owners are very important to the community. And having the balls to write such a thing a place it on the web, I hope you find yourself in the position to be checked out by one of these dogs. Or better yet, chased by one trained to track! Then see how much courage you have to be a smartass when the dog is tearing you apart! You are a true idiot and your false story is not helping the fight against drugs!”
“mike todd has no clue as too how drug dogs are trained and work these dogs are not at any time ‘hooked’ on drugs these dogs are probably the healthiest dogs in the world, the reason the want to find drugs is because they associate the drug odor with a reward and praise from there handlers!! and after these dogs work along with there handlers for 8 to 10 years they are retired and live the rest of there lives at home with the handler and there family.”
“i dont know who or where you get your info from but i think you are full of milk bones i have a dog and he dont care a thing about the dope so before you tell everybody that the dogs are in it for the dope you need to do your homework” [followed by ninety exclamation marks]
“You know, you are not honest about the drug dog training.,,, there are other ways we train them w/o real drugs, and you dont give credit for the ‘work’ they do..like—saving lives..!!... you are narrow minded..”
“I am writing in response to the article submitted by one, mike todd, If this was intended as a joke, fine, say so, if not, you should never have posted such lies and conjecture! This was the very type thing that K-9 Handlers fight every day! The animal rights groups get a hold of this crap and play it up to the public! And anyone who knows anything about training dogs for scent detection work, will take offense to this article, and I hope you hear from everyone of them!”
“I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU GET YOUR INFO FROM, BUT R U WRONG? YES YOU ARE..... MY K-9S ARE NOT ADICTS, NOR ARE ANY OF MY HANDLERS.........WHERE DID YOU DO YOUR RESEARCH, MEXICO???????????”
“that was a joke right? in light of how the american public views narcotics detector dogs and believes they are all addicted to the substances they are trained on, i find your “page” to be in extremely poor taste. federal k9 officer!!!”
“where in the world did you get this story........you either have a great imagination or you have not a clue of how a dog is trained. you can go to any vet in the U.S. and ask them what would happen if a K9 ingested even a small amount of cocaine, the answer, die. The story I read is pathetic.”
“I know that you are going to think that my opinion is biased, but I must try. I am a dog handler for the U.S. Border Patrol and I REALLY object to the article about the drug dogs that you have on your site. It is the most outright fabrication I have read in all my life. Don’t take my word for it, ask any veterinarian what a gram of cocaine a day would do to my 75 pound Belgian Malinois. We take EXTREME measures to ensure that the dogs have NO contact with drugs at all. My dog doesn’t just work cocaine. He works marijuana, heroin, methamphetamines and concealed people. I would really like to know what your author thinks I feed my dog to keep him locating these items. We use the basic drives any dog possesses to get him to locate the targeted substances, he is rewarded with UNTAINTED reward objects. Ask a lawyer what kind of field day he would have in court if we used the technique your site says we use to locate contraband. My credibility would be destroyed and that of the entire canine program. The ASPCA would have my head on a stick and our program would be terminated under the current administration (Remember I work for Bill Clinton) Do you think that he would allow such a thing to happen? Not only that but the DEA has no dogs. They use ours and I do not answer to them at all. They answer to me if I make a dope find. It is irresponsible to post something so blatantly false and you obviously didn’t research any of this at all. If you want, I will let you meet my dog and see how loved and well behaved he is and you will see that he isn’t on dope. I can’t believe anybody smart enough to be computer literate is dumb enough to believe or post something like this.”
“Just saw your page. What a load of B.S. were did you get your infromation from?. Nobody does this. what else can I say. you are wrong.”
“NOT ONLY ARE THOSE IN LAW ENFORCEMENT INSULTED, BUT THE PRIVATE SECTOR ALSO USES NARCOTIC K-9S. AND WE ARE MIFFED ALSO. OUR DOGS ARE PROFESSIONAL, AND SO ARE OUR HANDLERS AND TRAINERS......... TO THINK THAT WE WOULD ACT LIKE A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY AND ADDICT OUR FURRY PARTNERS TO NARCOTICS IS INSANE, AND SO IT THE AUTHOR”
“What could possibly be the point of your website? It appeals neither to drug users or the general public, as it is not accurate and not funny? How do you justify spending your time on crap like ‘dope sniffing dogs’??”
“i dont handle dogs, but im a recovering addict. and you , my friend, are a person with way too much time on your hands. If you would like to do something constructive with your time why dont you just put a gun to your head? Get a life, dude.”
“My name is B—— G——, and I am a police K-9 trainer. I would like to know where you got your information. You are very misinformed. A drug dogs reward is his toy. Its all a game to him. An apprehension dog is adjetated, made suspicious but never mistreated. You are the dumbests fucking idiot in the world and you need to do your homework instead of assuming. What redneck told you how to train dogs? A drug dog is not fed drugs, or his spirit destryed. But e build confidence. A fearful dog is of no use, just as a little punk know it all such as yourself.”
“im a k9 handler - at a police department - and I agree- eat a bullet. this is retarded.”
|On This Day in Snigglery||August 30, 2000: Radio DJ Joseph Lopez goes door-to-door in San Francisco dressed in a prisoner’s uniform and asking for help in removing his handcuffs. The prank ends up making him a prisoner for realsies. (See Cop Jamming for more such tomfoolery)|